Falling Foward
by Scribbling On The Sky
Summary: "I hope you can imagine my surprise and the feverous denial that followed when I had one very clear and crisp thought crop up in my mind: 'I don't love James anymore.'" Sad and confused, with the future of her relationship now uncertain, Lily moves half way across the world and in the process learns a little more about life, love, relationships, and herself.
1. Chapter 1

It happened whilst I was washing the dishes.

As a witch you'd think that I'd leave such a menial task as washing the dishes to magic and instead use my time more productively. As an auror in training and member of the Order of the Phoenix, who obviously has much more pressing issues to be dealing with, a quick flick of the wand would be a much wiser decision.

Yet I always found something therapeutic about washing the dishes. It was an act of rebellion against the magical world. The muggle born inside me relished the simplicity of the task, how your mind could wander as your hands rise and fall into the warm soapy water. Many a fantasy had been conjured as I'd scrubbed the pans; a problem solved as I'd unclogged the plughole. Though I would never be the domestic goddess type I enjoyed the process thoroughly.

On that particular day I had rushed to perform such an activity. Work had reached its peak of stressfulness and I needed something to distract me once I'd returned home. The living room almost certainly needed dusting, there was a pile of washing engulfing my bedroom floor, and merlin knows how much I needed a shower. Nonetheless, it was straight to the kitchen where only three plates, a few glasses, and a small array of cutlery were waiting for me.

Over the last six months my daydreams had all been of the same variety. Of course they had, for over the last six months I had fallen in love successfully for the first time. I say successful for I'd had my fair share of unrequited loves and doomed affairs whilst as school but they'd all ended rather the same way, with heartache and unnecessary tears. I'd learnt my lessons and had now moved on to James. James: my wonderful boyfriend of just shy of six months. James: the boy who had at one point been the bane of my existence but was now the star of my heart. James: the witty, intelligent, sexy person of my dreams. James. James Potter.

And I couldn't be happier. In the relationship department, anyway. James and I had started during what was perhaps one of the best years of my life. My final year at Hogwarts, where all my hard work had finally paid off and I'd been appointment head girl. We'd go very quickly from practical strangers to sort-of friends, to suddenly a crush developing on my behalf, and then within weeks we were dating. Truth be told I wouldn't have predicted it in a million years but it very quickly made me very happy. Towards the end of that year I felt I had everything. A wonderful boyfriend, an exciting prospective career, a great group of friends and even the background of the war couldn't stop my aspirations.

However, that all very soon turned to dust. My friends and I would all very quickly lose touch, the geographical distances of our various jobs putting metaphorical distances on our relationships. My auror training was put on indefinite hold, too, due to the rising issues of the war and I soon found my finances in dire straits, forcing me to find work in a pokey muggle restaurant near my house in order to pay for the rent.

Love was not enough and I soon found myself getting more and more down. And yet, at the same time, it was. I found myself relishing more and more the times I saw and spoke to James, occasions that were also becoming few and far between as his own career and family situation meant he was often the other side of the country. I found myself daydreaming about our future together, even the prospect of marriage and kids, something that I'd never let my mind ponder about before. He was my saving grace and the reason for my smile during the monotony that had become my life. I felt more in love with him than ever before. Whereas perhaps previously he'd been a challenge for my infatuated mind I felt we were slowly becoming more and more connected like all the older experienced couples I secretly admired.

And so I hope you can imagine my surprise and the feverous denial that followed when I finished placing the last of the dishes on the draining board that one horrible Monday evening and had one very clear and crisp thought crop up in my mind.

'I don't love James anymore.'

 **Author's note: Hi Folks! This is a return to fan fiction writing for me after about seven years so I apologise if I'm a little rusty. This project is actually a very personal thing for me so I hope more than anyone this will be updated very regularly. I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoy writing it. Love SOTS x**


	2. Chapter 2

And that is how I ended up here. Thousands of miles from my childhood home, from everyone I've ever cared about, and from the supposed love of my life.

Over three and a half months have gone since I first felt that way and yet there hasn't been a day that I haven't shed at least a single tear. Some days are better than others, of course. There are days where the tears may only come for ten seconds or so in the morning. Oddly enough they're the worst days of all. They confuse me because if I'm not sad then what am I truly fighting for? Am I just hanging-on for the sake of it? Is this all out of stubbornness?

They create so many questions. Honestly, though, those days have been few and far between. Too common are the days where I can barely drag myself out of bed at midday and I can hardly pay attention in class because I'm too busy fighting the thoughts attacking my brain. It's a roller coaster and I can't win.

Still, it was perhaps better than the time I was having back home. My parent's ability to keep a stable marriage was beginning to make me feel sick whenever they were in the same room as me. My various friends' relationships were suddenly fuelling an angry monster in my head. And my time with James? Well, that had become the worst of all. He suddenly seemed like a stranger. I panicked when he touched me. I felt guilty with every second he spent lovingly looking at me. The few moments I did feel positive were just eclipsed by the moments when the negative thoughts rode in like the four horsemen. I could only stand a month after the 'dish washing day' before I finally could stand it no more and packed up my bags and moved here.

Here, the 416, the city of churches, Broadway North, Hogtown, or, as it is more commonly know: Toronto.

And, why here? Well, I could lie and say that as the fourth most populous city in North America I could be a just a number here with no name and no past. Or, I could lie and say that I thought the Canadian air would clear my mind. Or, I could make the most guilt wrenching lie of all and say that with the lack of threat from the wizarding war here I was protecting myself as a muggle born.

However, I must unfortunately admit that it was none of the above. I came here merely because it offered me the chance to take the auror training course that I was unable to do back home. A sympathetic ministry member had suggested it several months earlier and I'd been considering it for a while. I'd even signed the paperwork about a week or so before the dishes incident, believing my relationship was far too strong for something as simplistic as distance to destroy.

Funny that I thought that then and barely a week later the most unexpected of intrusive thoughts would turn everything upside down.

I could've stayed behind and in hindsight maybe I should have. I could be saving my relationship right now and yet instead I'm acting as a ghost in a town where my accent is rarely understood and I'm yet to find a decent replacement for tea, let alone butterbeer.

But I couldn't stay. I can't explain why. I just couldn't. I couldn't continue to look into those beautiful hazel eyes and feel…nothing. I fear that if I had stayed then my relationship would already be over by now. That my mind would have had enough of the cycle or James would have had enough of my tears. And I feel that even if this does all end in tears I want to have put on the biggest fight for us. We deserve that, at least.

Perhaps I was running away by coming here but a small part of me thought all my problems would be solved by adding another a bit of distance into the mix, a change of scenery.

All that it's done is make me even more confused. My mind is a constant whirlwind of thoughts. Do I love him? Do I still want to be with him? Is this just what love is like after that initial stage? Why don't I want to be with him anymore? Is this my fault? Is this just chemistry out to get me? Why is it so hard to let go? And the worst of all: did I even love him in the first place? A constant cycle. And I'm no closer to answering any of them.

I'm in purgatory. The future from here is so very unclear. I don't honestly know what I want. I don't want to let go, in fact, I almost feel that I can't let go and yet I can't seem to go backwards, either. The doubts have been etched onto my mind now. A part of me thinks it would be easier to move on, though a stronger part of me knows that I'd miss him more than anything and there'd always be that niggling at the back of my brain asking 'what if?'

And that's why I've decided that things need to change now. I can't continue to wreck my mind by constantly asking myself these questions as I've done these past few months. That will end up just destroying us its self. But there is obviously something that is stopping me from moving on, in both directions. Perhaps, as silly as it sounds and as much as I know that you can't force love, there is a chance that I can fall for James, again.

I will see him exactly a month tomorrow. Maybe with a little faith, trust and a little of bit of pixie dust, or rather some positivity for once, I won't have to give up the wonderful boy who made me happy for that sweet short time.

For the next month I'm just going to focus on trying, just loving without any of the questions. We may crash and burn and in thirty days time I may have to say goodbye to the one person I never thought I would.

But it's worth a shot, right?

 **Author's note: So happy that I managed to do my second chapter so soon after the first. Thank you all for reading. From here on chapters will likely take more of a day-to-day format. There will be far less explanations and far more Lily and her life. I apologise for all the description that you'll all have had to endure in the last two chapters. I felt that it was a bit necessary for the story but I promise you all there will actually be a storyline from now on. Much love x**


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